Posts tagged jumpingjacktrash
Posts tagged jumpingjacktrash
so i’m rereading brainbent instead of sleeping (shut up i make excellent life choices) and had a little epiphany about my childhood: no one ever thought it wasn’t my fault. i was always struggling and failing and falling behind and screwing up, i never lived up to expectations, and no one ever said ‘hey maybe there is a reason jesse can’t do this shit and maybe something is straight up wrong here’ it was just that i wasn’t trying hard enough or didn’t care enough or was lazy or something.
even the people who were supportive, like my parents, tried to help me ‘get organized’ and tried to make incentives for me to do things and reminders and oh god endless lists and charts and calendars and books for ‘remembering’ stuff
it became an axiom of my life that i wasn’t trying hard enough. it has become a part of my self-image and i can’t shake it. i just know for a fact, at all times, no matter what, that i’m not trying hard enough, that my successes don’t count, that my failures just prove i’m not trying hard enough, and i am behind and i dropped the ball and i blew it and i will never catch up and every effort i make is too little too late.
this is not helpful and i have known for a long time that it’s not helpful but i have never been able to change it
but tonight i realized where it came from. not just mean teachers and not just people who didn’t care. but everyone. NOBODY ever believed it wasn’t my fault. nobody ever thought maybe i have a learning disability or depression or anything like that. even if nobody knew about high-functioning autism back then and not many people knew about adhd, which is why i was forgiving everyone and letting them off the hook for never helping me. but it’s not like nobody in the 80’s had any concept that children could be mentally ill, or that intelligent kids could be disabled. it wasn’t impossible for anyone to consider not blaming me. they could’ve chosen not to blame me. they could’ve looked for a cause.
but they blamed me. even when they did it kindly and tried to help me do better. it was still all on me. it was my fault. it was for me to fix. and so i grew up blaming myself, and lowering my expectations and giving up on things and basically i grew up to believe i don’t get to have dreams because i will fuck them up and fail at them and it’s better to try to live in the moment because i have no control over the future. someone else will decide the future and i will fail at it.
oh my god this shit is toxic. i want it out of my head. >:[
THIS THIS THIS.
I’ve never managed to put it into words this well
<cue chorus of parents and teachers> BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T TRY TO AND ARE BAD.
… yeah, see how HELPFUL that is? Yeah.
Wow. Jesse fucking nails it here; this is a large part of the toxic shit in my head as well, only I was lucky enough to have it just be arithmetic I couldn’t do (wasn’t trying hard enough, didn’t want to learn, just needed to work harder, c’mon let’s try the flash cards again, oh do make an effort, stop whining, etc). I internalized it’s-your-fault-you-can’t-do-this to an extent that it’s colored pretty much my entire worldview.
poor barnacle. *petpet* do you want me to go punch your neighbors for you?
Yes. Punch them soundly and then tie them up in chairs and make them watch while you take apart their stereo bit by bit and feed it to them in a pie.
i’m thinking of threading electrodes up their nostrils and playing dubstep directly into their brains.
I LIKE IT SO YOU WILL TOO
THE LOUDER I PLAY IT THE MORE YOU WILL LIKE IT
IS THAT NOT YOUR LOGIC SIR OR MADAM
LET US TEST IT WITH SCIENCE
Sir, I like the way you think.
WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB
^^ the sound of justice in action is identified at last
alas, it’s not untreated; i’ve been diagnosed with major depressive and anxiety and panic disorders for seven years now, I’ve seen numerous counselors and have recently found a possibly acceptable combination of meds after some time inpatient and then intensively outpatient. This isn’t something related to an untreated illness—this is just me and what I am not strong enough to do. thanks for your support, though. :)
i know how paradoxically comforting it can be to blame yourself. because if it’s all your fault, that means it’s all under your control.
but reread your post as if someone other than you said it. your brain chemistry is haywire, you’ve been hospitalized for it, and you’ve just recently found some meds that might work — and you’re saying not having already singlehandedly fixed your eating disorder is just weakness?
you wouldn’t accept that rationale from a friend you loved. wouldn’t you tell them that these things take time and hard work? wouldn’t you tell them that addressing the eating disorder comes after getting their brain chemistry under control, and may take outside help as well?
forgiving yourself won’t make you lose control of your life. it’ll do just the opposite. it’ll give you back some of the energy you need to get your hands back on the steering wheel.
Jesse? I just kind of want to say how awesome you are.
Does anyone want to write me a sick fic? Please? It would make my day to read about one person in a red relationship taking care of the other. .w.
*fires up the bat symbol for ceruleancynic*
the cc symbol
what does it look like
anyway you should put in a request to her h/c-on-demand blog, she gives the BEST caretaking fic.
I think it looks like a caduceus with a sadface on top of it
yo awkwaben both my ficrequest askblogs are not currently open to asks because I have a couple more requests I need to fill before opening to new story prompts but
send me a ask
i will see what i can do
in which sollux has a difficult conversation, and then things get complicated.
AAAAH OH MY GOD.
Oh man. Oh MAN.
in which the prince plays politics, and sollux has a chance encounter with an old friend.
in which we doubt the existence of a number of things which objectively exist. also cuddles.
Jesus dick, man, you are GOOD with the heartstomp, without being cruel. So much love for this.
no plan survives contact with the enemy. sometimes furniture takes a hit too.
time to quit drawing and get ready for dnd. dang, i’m getting really into this tho. when i try to draw girls in a realistic style, they end up looking like guys, but this sorta wasp-waisted 1950’s stylization is kinda working for me.
who is she finishing a scarf for? DEFINITELY A BOY because seebs challenged me to draw het ahahaha yeah i can totally do this.
This is lovely and I want those socks so bad.
Also, ha, I am sort of semi-glad that I’m not the only one who has problems based on mostly drawing one type of person. When I draw men, they look a lot like ladies.
in which sollux keeps busy, and the prince checks his privilege.
i don’t always let my captured rebel spymasters seduce me
but when i do
i put my
dad’s crown on afterward
in which the prince checks on his investment, and sollux tries a little recruiting.
btw cc have i mentioned that when i visualize the prince he is drawn in your style
because when i do
I GUESS I KNOW WHAT I’M DOING TONIGHT
hnnng every time I read a new bit of it it gets better
about equal parts urge to hide under the table and go back to Seemann and try to make something out of it for realsies
das Feuer nimmst du von der Kerze
die Zeit steht still und es wird Herbst
i am just really really terrible at not sharing what i’m working on. i’m sorry.
not really a crossover, more an inspired-by; i ganked the magic system, naming conventions, and some of the plot, parallelled a few characters — and also sort of tried to prose like glen cook and failed pretty hard — but i’m being in no way organized about it. you don’t need to know jack about the ‘black company’ verse to read this; just treat it as a random fantasy au. :D
When you see you’re going to the Storm Palace, you try to jump off the flying carpet.
Mindfang laughs as she twists a fistful of your collar to hold you back. “Oh no, Sollux Captor, it’s not that easy for you,” she says. “If he didn’t want you alive, I wouldn’t have wasted a trip. You could’ve died at Radiant with the rest of your Rebel friends.”
I have no fucking clue what blackcompany even is but I love this
ONLY THE THING IS NORMALLY IT’S LUKA WHO GETS SONGS STUCK THE FUCK IN MY HEAD
so this is kind of weird but
what did you dream?